Christmas in Gotham
by MisterDrBob
Summary: If I can't let the Super Smash Bros. throw a Christmas party, then Batman villains definitely shouldn't be allowed to.


Christmas in Gotham

Summary: If I can't let the Super Smash Bros. throw a Christmas party, then Batman villains definitely shouldn't be allowed to.

The tree was artificial. They'd made sure of it 100 times. When Pam had learned that they'd murdered her sweet Douglas for their first tree, Jack had a narrow dodge with six weeks in traction. So, a fake tree it was. Other than that outburst though, Pam had been relatively docile. Just as long as her precious plants weren't being harmed, she was fine. Jack was another matter though. Having been strictly forbidden by the others to refrain from killing, all his pent up energy had to be diverted through another outlet. Mainly playing pranks on Jonathan and Edward, or shouting at Harley.

Harvey had been the most normal, normal being a relative term. He was calm for the most part, social enough with everyone but Jack, although any time they needed his help, he wouldn't budge until he'd given them a fair flip of his coin. Jonathan, Edward, and Jervis had probably been the most enthusiastic about the idea of a Christmas party, which was strange since Jonathan was practically a vegetable if he wasn't tormenting someone by terrorizing them or instilling a completely new phobia in them, Edward mostly obsessed over whatever puzzle or riddle had been placed in front of him, and Jervis was just too shy to be social at all. Jervis however had been bustling around, happy as a Cheshire cat, which prompted the question from Oswald and Victor as to whether Jack had spiked his morning tea. Victor too was strangely cheery. The normally emotionally tormented man was able for the first time in nine months to walk about without his suit, the frigid air keeping his body temperature low enough. Oswald too, who was probably the grumpiest normally, was as cheerful as he would probably ever get during the year. In fact, it had been his idea to go ice skating.

Harley had immediately jumped at the idea and had dragged Jack along. Harvey gave it a toss, and decided to go, the fact that he'd enjoyed ice skating before the accident coupled with the heads result. Victor had rounded out the mismatched group that had stormed the ice rink without even meaning to. They'd planned to just go in, politely ask for skates, and get on with it. Even Jack had wanted to maintain calm and order for once. But as soon as they'd walked in, people began running helter skelter. After five minutes of trying to explain to the clerk that they didn't want the money in the register or the payroll, they just wanted some skates it became apparent that nobody was going to listen to them. So, they'd stolen the skates, and continued to have a good time in the rink. Their entrance had caused the whole rink to clear out, which meant that they had the entire place to themselves. Oswald had made a huge show of himself, looking even more like a penguin, skimming effortlessly over the ice. Victor too looked more at home on the ice than, oh say, Jack, who watched in envy as Harley joined them in ice acrobatics that would put Olympic athletes to shame. This resulted in a couple of banana peels that had been greased up in Vaseline to be thrown right into Oswald's path. The resulting crash had made him so furious that he began fist fighting with Jack. They were pulled apart by Victor, who reminded them that the police and worse, Batman, were likely on the way, and they should leave. That had been the end of that little excursion.

"You know I prefer Halloween." Jonathan grumbled as Edward pushed him down the stairs.

"I don't care. We're all doing this, Jon. It makes no sense for you to be brooding, or reading up on new phobias when the rest of us are actually having fun."

"Says the man who stays locked in his room reading brain teasers, _Ed_." Jonathan sneered as Edward forced him into a nice suit that Jonathan had used during lectures and University dinners. Edward himself was wearing his normal fare minus the question marks, mask, and bowler hat. In his opinion, it was quite dashing with or without question marks.

"There they are! Everyone's here, we can finally get this thing over with!" Oswald shouted.

He too was wearing what he always wore. But unlike Edward, he'd made no attempt to differentiate himself by removing anything. Not even the top hat or monocle. Jack filled up the boat for people who hadn't made any special effort. As always, he was wearing his clowinish purple suit. Everyone else though, had busted out their best for this occasion. Harley and Pam had gone on a shopping spree with as disastrous results as at the ice rink, but it had paid off as both had found amazing formal dresses to wear. Pam's was green of course, and made with natural plant fibers, and Harley had gone for all black, as opposed to her favorite red. Harvey had gotten an old suit of his out that wasn't cut in half and sewed together with another one. The effect kind of made his scarring less noticeable by a small margin. Jervis had gone without a hat for once, and was wearing a suit that made him look like a socially awkward high school prom goer. Victor had tried to stuff his imposing frame into a suit similar to Jervis', and ended up looking two sizes too large for it.

The party began slowly. People formed clumps around the food, the tree, and right in the middle. It was kind of awkward. And then, it just relaxed and evolved into a fun Christmas party. Most everyone was in a good mood. Harley was slightly embarrased for once at Jack's pathetic attempts to make people laugh, but other than that, things were going not horrendously.

"Let's sing some carols!" Jervis suggested. Everyone was keen on the idea, so they dug out an old songbook and looked for Christmas carols. Victor began humming the Snow Miser theme to himself, ignorant of the stares he was getting.

"Oh! Oh! I've got a great one!" Jack jumped up and down like a little kid. "Penguin's in the kitchen, Two-Face's in the hall, Riddler's in the bathroom writing on the wall. Oh! Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got away, hey! Jingle bells, Harley smells, Hatter's high on tea, Mr. Freeze cut the cheese and the Scarecrow is a whimp! A day or two ago, I thought I'd take a ride, and soon Miss Harley Quinn was sitting by my side, the car was sweet and quick, but Harley can't drive stick, we ran into the stinking dump and flipped left o'er right!" Everyone stared at Jack who was grinning madly at his clever little song.

"That was juvinile and stupid on so many levels." Pam muttered.

"I do not smell!" Harley bawled. "And I apologized for that one time! I thought you loved me, Mr. J!"

"Told ya honey, he's no good. Guys like him, dime a dozen." Pam whispered.

"So you did put crack in my tea! I knew it!"

"Whimp, am I?! Let's see how tough you are against your living nightmares!" Jon shouted as he pulled out a mace can that was probably filled with fear gas.

"Hehehe, uh, why so serious?" Jack laughed as Jon advanced on him.

"Enough!" Harvey shouted. "Let's not lose our heads over a stupid little song. I thought it was kind of catchy." Jack teared up like a little kid.

"Really, Harv? That's sweet."

"Uh, no. Actually I didn't. I just said that to stop this crap."

"You just took away my positive feeling for the day, you know that?"

"Ugh. Okay, forget singing carols. Let's just move on to the Secret Santa." Edward moaned.

They gathered around the tree, where each of them had placed a wrapped gift, labeled for the person they had been secretly assigned.

"Alright folks, step right up, name of the game is blackjack! Joker's wild!" Jack laughed as he dealt a card to everyone. "The highest card goes first! Oh, and would you look at that, an ace!" He flashed the ace of spades.

"I've got an ace too though." Harvey said as he showed the ace of diamonds. "Looks like we'll have to flip for it."

"Screw that," Jack said as he smacked the coin out of Harvey's hand.

"My coin! No! I. can't. make. choices. without. it!" as Harvey went nuts for his coin, Jack grabbed his present and tore it open.

"....A straighjacket. Thanks a bundle. Who's this from?" Jon stifled a laugh.

"You, huh, Crane? Think your funny? _I'm_ the funny guy around here! You go next then."

"NUUUUU!!!!!!" Harvey screamed. "I must go second. It's my thing! Two!"

"Jeez, fine Harv, go ahead." Harvey took his present and opened it.

"A set of two double shot glasses! How thoughtful! You address my duality and imply that I'm an alcoholic! I love it!" Jervis smiled.

"I thought you'd like it Harvey. Merry Christmas. I guess Pam can go next then." She took her gift and neatly unwrapped it.

"_An Inconvenient Truth. Special DVD Edition_. I honestly don't know what to think of it." Edward shrugged.

"I figured you'd want something to do with the environment. And you already have a lot of plants."

"Don't take it like that Eddie, it was a sweet gift. I'm just a little surprised that's all. Why don't you go next?"

"Don't mind if I do." Edward proceeded to open his. He literally squeaked with glee. "A RUBIK'S CUBE! AHHHH!!! THANK YOU! I'VE NEVER HAD ONE OF THESE! PREPARE YOURSELF COLORFUL PRETTY CUBE! I SHALL SOLVE YOU!" Joygasming as he turned the plastic cube, Edward was lost in bliss.

"My turn." Oswald said as he grabbed his. His face fell as he saw the joke inside. "A plush penguin. Cute."

"Ah, don't take it too hard Ozzy. I think it's cute!" Harley said. "What'd I get, what'd I get?" She tore the paper off her gift like an excited kid. "10 Easy Steps to Getting Out: A Woman's Guide to Abuse. Red!"

"What? What makes you think it was me?" Pam asked innocently. Jonathan too had recieved a book, and he too was unhappy.

"All Men's Phobia: A Guide to Women. Ho. Ho. Ho Jack." Jack was laughing uncontrollably.

"Admit it Jonny, you need it! That's your greatest fear isn't it?" Crane snorted.

"Me, fear?! I'm the Scarecrow! I'm the GOD of fear! The Lord of Despair!"

"Okay, guys let's stop this." Victor said. "I'll take my turn." He opened the snowflake patterned wrapping to find.... "A gift card to Handel's. Thanks a million." Harvey didn't get the sarcasm.

"I wanted to go with the ice theme, but I couldn't find anything better than ice cream! Glad you like it Vic."

"Guess that just leaves me." Jervis meekly murmered. He slowly opened his gift. He shouted in delight as he saw it. "A new hat! Oh thank you, Victor! I just love it!" He perched it proudly on his head. There was a knock on the door. Everyone stared at it.

"Who could that be?" Edward wondered, looking up from his Rubik's Cube.

Jervis went to the door, and opened it to find a delectable piece of eye candy.

"Hey, guys. Heard there was a party. Mind if I join?"

"Selina? What are you doing here?"

"You heard me, crashing your cute little party." She slid through the door and shed her coat revealing a sleek purple dress.

"Scram, cat. We don't let the Bat's little kitty hang around here. We've never let you hang out with us before, why now?" Harvey growled. Selina purred.

"'Cause it's Christmas, of course."

"The only way to settle this is a fair fifty-fifty test. Heads, you get to stay, Tails, you scram with eight lives." _ting _the coin spiraled through the air. Harvey caught it. "Grrr. Heads. She stays."

"Mmm, thanks Harv. Oh, and I guess you just got through with your little gift exchange. Don't feel bad, I got myself a little something. She indicated the dazzling diamond necklace draped around her neck." She strolled in and sat herself next to Pam.

"How's it going, Pam? How's the nursery?"

"It's fine." muttered Pam. "How's the Bat?" Selina frowned.

"Fine, don't be civil." Harley glared at her. It was clear that there was some female hostility brewing. Edward coughed.

"So, Selina." He said, awkwardly tring to start pleasant conversation, "I see you pulled a nice job there." He indicated the necklace.

"Thanks. Heard you just pulled a big heist yourself. Batman and Gordon couldn't solve the riddle in time."

"Oh that? That was nothing. A mere bagatelle fair feline. Just needed a little something to pass the endless amount of time I have on my hands."

Jack laughed out loud at Edward's eloquent boast. Selina turned.

"Is this it? Aren't there more people coming?" Jack laughed again.

"Who else would come? Killer Croc and Man-Bat can't be controlled, nobody likes Killer Moth, nobody knows where Bane, Clayface or Hush are, and Ra's al Ghul and Ventriloquist think they're too good for us. So if you've got anyone better, please speak up by all means."

"Okay, point taken. But it still seems awfully small. Almost too small for a Christmas party."

"If you don't like it, then leave." Oswald spat.

"Maybe I will." Selina frowned. "I try to be nice, but you dogs just play too rough. Well, Merry Christmas. I'll see you 'round, guys. Or will I?" She asked playfully. As she slipped out the door, red and blue lights began flashing. Edward laughed.

"That little tart. She tipped the police off!"

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Author's Notes: Abrupt way to end a story, I know, but I wanted to get this out by Christmas, and I wanted to end it. I take almost full credit for Jack's song. Except for the obvious (the main chorus plus Mr. Freeze cut the cheese), I made the entire song up. I wanted to do another Christmas comedey, but as opposed to my other one, A Smashing Christmas, I decided to focus more on the obvious disfunction in the group than slapstick and running jokes. I'm really not conforming to any specific continuity. I really don't know _that_ much about Batman. I did take some elements from the Animated Series and the movies, but it's really not supposed to be any specific continuity.


End file.
